Helping a sick family member over months or years can be an enormous strain. It can also disrupt your identity. Psychologists say embracing this change can open up new ways for caregivers to cope.
Caregiving can test you, body and soul. It can also unlock a new sense of self toggle caption Laura Bilson for NPR When it was all over, Amanda Cruz felt like a phoenix, a new person rising from what had been. First, though, she had to go through the fire. Pre-caregiving Amanda was a talker. When she was 2 years old, she always waved to everyone on the bus. In her 20s, she moved to Denmark for graduate school knowing nobody and loved it. Later, she worked for city government in a job connecting with constituents. She learned to speak Spanish so she could chat with more people. In 2023, her mom was dealing with a cancer relapse that had progressed into her spine. That July, right before Cruz's parents moved to her neighborhood in South Carolina to be near her, her mom also had a stroke. Sponsor Message Cruz helped all along, but in early 2024 she took on a lot more — meal prep, meds, following up on appointments, trips to water aerobics. She still worked at a small construction company, she still went to the YMCA for yoga and Pilates. But as she became more involved in her mother's life, Cruz began to change. toggle caption Laura Bilson for NPR She became quieter, and she began to listen more. She was learning to hear beyond the words her mother said to understand what she really meant. Listening to judge whether her mother needed more pain meds, or to figure out what she really wanted at that moment, even if it was just a soda from the gas station. Her own words were saved for the daily rituals of bathing, medicine, questions about pain, and gently encouraging her mother to start saying her goodbyes. "I must pull myself back to put her forward," she said to herself. They sheltered together in this pool of quiet while the world seemed to accelerate around them. There was another stroke in November. Afterward, on the way home from the hospital, her mother fell silent. She did not speak at all during dinner that night. Cruz knew in her gut that the words…