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Family Members at Thanksgiving, Ranked

www.newyorker.com
5 min read
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Clare Austen-Smith and Meghana Indurti humorously imagine a list of family members at Thanksgiving ranked by appeal.
There's a lot to be thankful for—friends, health, the premium Hulu account someone forgot to log out of on my TV. Now I no longer have to be subjected to the same Progressive commercial fifteen times just to watch Nicole Kidman brood in a velvet coat. Excited to see what upper-class enclave she chooses to highlight for her next limited-run sexy-murder-betrayal HBO whodunnit!

But, this year, I'm particularly working on being thankful for my family. Each and every one of them. Specifically, in this order:

10. Aunt Carol, who is here but not here here, because, owing to her "different beliefs," she is eating outside. She really loves doing her own "research." She brought the cranberry sauce, and it's her secret recipe. Don't worry: it's safe to eat, because I spritzed it with bleach just now.

9. Uncle John, who is also sitting outside but far away from Carol. He's vaccinated; he just never forgave me for going to a football game with his ex-wife. I'm sorry it didn't work out between him and Joanne, but I'm not turning down front-row Packers seats. Plus, she has so many Mariott points! I need those. Where am I going to stay the next time I visit the outskirts of a major city? A Best Western? No way. Those are haunted.

8. Nephew George. I, too, went through a phase in high school where I listened to the B-side of a Radiohead album, got a leather jacket, and thought that I was super deep. But hearing him quote Bukowski while passing me green beans made me realize how truly insufferable I must have…
Meghana Indurti, Clare Austen-Smith
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