How every Thanksgiving food is ruined (and how you can save them)
6 min read
I'm here to save your meal.
Every year we go through the magical social media dance of arguing which Thanksgiving foods should get axed from the table. Some want pie gone, others can do without turkey, the chaotic evil suggest axing macaroni and cheese. But there's always one item that makes the cut: Bread rolls. This typifies every Thanksgiving meal problem.

Allow me to explain. The rolls are, largely, the one item untouched by human hands. Unless you have an overachiever in the family who wants to bake their own, rolls typically mean opening the bag of King's Hawaiian, and if you're a little fancy, warming them in the oven. This tells me that we have an inherent problem with every other item on the table. Clear signs they've been totally screwed up and created bad memories. I am convinced that if America was used to eating properly cooked poultry they'd never cut out the turkey, but every year it's the first to go.

The internet, more specifically the websites you visit, will likely rank and order every Thanksgiving food. Hell, we've done it in the past. However, this whole minefield of botched food made me think about a better way to discuss the holiday. What if we don't just aim to say what's best, but rather how you can save these foods.

I'm not going to lie, a lot of these are difficult. Trying to save an overcooked turkey is damn-near impossible, and it might just infuriate your host — but let's dive in anyway.


Common Problem: Cooked to dust and dry as hell

The main problem with the humble turkey is that this country has been conditioned to rely on that stupid turkey button. The dumb plastic nodule that sure, tells you by the letter of the FDA's law that the meat is "safe," but absolutely destroys any possibility of good meat in the process.

This turkey button works by having a tip made of soft metal, similar to solder. At 165 degrees it melts, allowing the plastic to come loose, where it pops up due to a steel spring. internal spring made out of a metal that melts at 165…
James Dator
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