I Think My Boyfriend Is Lying to Me About a Major Part of Our Sex Life

slate.com
7 min read
easy
The situation is making me feel super gaslit and insecure.
How to Do It is Slate's sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It's anonymous!

Dear How to Do It,

My boyfriend (23) won't have penetrative sex with me and tells me "you heterosexuals are too obsessed with it" and that "we think it is the only type of sex." Despite this, he tells me he is very much attracted to me and assures me he is crazy about me sexually. My boyfriend is bisexual and has told me that he has been in plenty of relationships with other men that don't include actual penetration, and that it is actually more common than you think in gay relationships (in my boyfriend's words). I'm skeptical but only have his word to go on. My boyfriend doesn't like "penetrating people" and tells me he prefers other forms of sex, although he doesn't mind being occasionally penetrated himself (although that's not something I'm into; I don't want to wear a strap on and am not into anal stuff).

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At first, I thought maybe he was just lying to me and was actually gay but stringing me along, but he gives the best oral sex ever—the best I have ever, ever had. Mind-blowing level. And he's happy to fool about in the bedroom and is amazing with the stuff he can do. But I'm really feeling like I'm missing out on that one thing and like he's shaming me by saying it is overrated and a hetro-obsession. He was with his ex-boyfriend of two years, and apparently it wasn't an issue. The fact he doesn't mind being penetrated (but it is not his "go to"), but just refuses to even think about penetrating me, or any other man or woman, makes me think it is a phobia or related to some repressed trauma.

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I like this guy, but I think I need this. And it is going to be a barrier if we want children. He's smart, funny, absolutely gorgeous to look at and what I would consider to be a perfect catch … and pretty damn good in bed. Am I wrong if this is a deal-breaker for me? Would it be awful…
Rich Juzwiak
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